Scarred Heart
by StarSnowflake
Summary: Romania is struggling to live, due to his 'situation', hiding his scars and looking as happy as possible. In addition, he starts to encounter problems even he can't solve but he still wants to manage these problems, even if it means destroying himself.
1. Daily Life (04-18 07:42:08)

**Note: is my first fanfic. Please be kind!**

 **is based by a daily life of the society and its views**

 **Warnings: bullying, lots of blood, mental disorders, self-harm and suicide attempt**

* * *

 _ **3rd person P.O.W**_

Romania is like any nation. He has duties for his country, rules to respect and expectations from others. But he's also a human, with an age, body and mentality of a teenager. He likes hanging out with his best friends, pranking and everything about acting and music. But...he stil doesn't live a normal life. Romania is actually fighting with most of the things in his life...His daily life.

Waking up is quite hard for the boy, as he refuses to get up and start a new day. Not because he's lazy or something, he just remembers how hard is actually his own life. And he must get ready everyday for World Meetings, thanks to the more frequent events that destroy the relations between countries. Before getting out from the house, he puts in his bag some pills and a knife, just in case.

Romania has to go daily to the meetings, as being now an _important_ NATO and EU member, facing new critics and being scold. Furthermore, there had been rumors that Romania started to take drugs, along with being a gypsy and a vampire. The worst part is that more countries started to believe him. The teenager doesn't want to hear and anything, as he gets more criticised for his ideas. Sadly, his wish isn't listened.

"ROMANIA!" yelled Germany as he sees the blonde sleeping while listening to music through his headphones.

"DA! What happened?" asked Romania

"Were you even paying attention? Do I have to tell you AGAIN to focus on real problems?

"I'm sorry. I promise that I'll be focused."

"Dumkomph" mumbled Germany under his breath.

The meeting goes on. More nations are getting bored: Greece sleeping, Japan watching anime with America, France making selfies with anyone, Belgium and Romano talking about the perfect dinner and Prussia and Korea playing on their favorite song. Romania still listens to music, but he also pays attention to the meeting. Russia, seeing the boy, starts to bully him by hitting him with his feet, then pulling his hair and punching him. Romania still manages to be calm, but more and more nations eventually join Russia. First Hungary, then Belarus, France and China. The blonde can't control his emotions and eventually bursts into an exploding anger:

"DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, RETARDATULE?"

That sentence is heard everywhere and after that, Romania punches Russia.

Finally, the meeting is over, countries finally being able to smoke, dance, eat or whatever they want. Except for the EU members. Germany and France analyse how they are working and the stability of the country.

"Roumanie, I must say, I'm very disappointed about your level. I have expected more from you." said France.

"But, I've worked very much! What did I do wrong?" asked Romania, with sadness and despair in his voice.

"Protest all over the country, corrupt government, bad economy. Shall I continue?"

"BUT I TRY! BELIEVE ME!"

"NO MORE EXCUSES" yelled Germany. "I am sick of you incompetence and faliures in you report. You seem that you've became the _Failure of Europe_."

"But I-"

"What happened to you? You were the most devoted member." said France.

"Just that I'm sick to be scolded for every mistake. I try my best, but you always told me that it wasn't enough." said the boy while tears are starting and show a sign that he's upset about it.

"Romania, why haven't you told us? You've could always say anything about-"

"I'M SICK OF BEING BULLIED BY EVERYONE, BEING SCOLDED AND CRITICISED. IF YOU WANT ME TO BE PERFECT, I'LL BE PERFECT!" said Romania in a blood-hearted fury, leaving the building, crying and running away, just to be home.

"Hey,I heard that you take drugs! Are you a drug addicted?"

"I heard that takes 16 syringes per day with just one substance!"

"Typical gypsy"

These are just a few of the many rumors that Romania hears about himself. He didn't wanted this, he just wanted to be accepted. No matter how much he tries, he'll never be accepted.

"Hey guys! Let's beat this ass down!"

"Yeah! He's such a gay!"

"Da, Румыния, You made me feel so ashamed at today's meeting. Now you should be punished!"

He knows what's gonna happen: The gang will beat him, steal some money and humiliate him. He knows it too well. The humiliation, blood, insults, everything. This time, the beating left him almost dead. England saw the abuse, and tries to help Romania, and asking him some questions.

"How long?"

"Probally since I was born." answered Romania, with some fun in his tone.

"If you need help, please-"

"I don't need any help! Understand? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!". Then Romania leaves England, managing to get up by himself. He arrives home, eating and finally getting ready for his favorite part of the day, sleeping.

The last thing that he does before falling asleep is to cry, asking what did he do to deserve this horrible treatment while remembering all the abuse that he received in his life. He just wanted to be normal, to be liked, to be accepted.

This is his daily life.


	2. A New Surprise

Romania's _ **P.O.W.**_

This is weird. I haven't slept so bad for years. Nightmares looked so...real, and still flashing in my eyes. Thank god that I've woken up. But I...don't feel myself as I used to be. I simply lost my joy, my happiness for no reason. But the worst part is that tears are starting to fall onto my cheeks. Why? Just...I don't understand what's happening to me: these nightmares flashing in my eyes, feeling depressed and crying, all for NO reason. Maybe I should ignore this. Probably because of the stress that's been put on my shoulders. Recently, I've been called at numerous meetings, along with the critics that I received. So, it's like in the school: _be perfect!._ But I feel that this day is going to be different in some ways.

Suddenly my thoughts stopped as someone was knocking at my door. ''Who could that be'' I asked myself. it's quite a surprise, since nobody visites me. I slowly open the door, my heart beating like a rabbit's, without the knowledge of a kind person.

" _Hallo_ , Romania! How are you?" Belgium asked me, with her cute, optimistic voice.

"Uuuhh...Okay. Why? Did someone sent you here to announce me about an _important_ meeting?" I answered to her.

"No, why? I wanted to spend time with you, since you're kinda quiet at the meeting from some time. Is everything okay?"

"Da, why? Just because you saw me crying at the yesterday's meeting and my aggressive behavior? I told her, hoping that she won't going to forcé me to say what happened to me.

"Romania... Just tell me already. You aren't the guy I used to know. Please, just tell me what happened. Maybe we can find a solution," said Belgium. It looks like she knows me quite well. Too well. I don't want to tell her all my feelings but I don't want to lie to her. It looks like I don't have a choice.

" _Belgia_ , I...I'm not fine. I started to feel depressed thanks to the stress that most of the EU members are putting on my shoulders, countries bullying me, being compared to others, and things are getting worse as the days go by. Yesterday, France and Germany scolded me harshly and I was beaten by Russia and his gang. And this morning I started to cry, thanks to what happened! Are you happy?" I told her with rage and sadness consuming my spirit. This feels better, now that I told to someone my feelings. _În sfârșit mi-a sărit o piatră de pe inimă._

"Romania, I wasn't criticising you, I wasn't disappointed of you. I'm so sorry that I made you think this. Why didn't you told me?" I don't want to answer this question. It still doesn't have an answer and I'm not in the mood to tell her more.

"Maybe you should go to a psychologist and take a mental exam. You may know what's happening to you and even to get better from your depressed mood," Belgium advised me. She isn't like any other _rich_ EU member, she's actually kind and caring. And she's right. I have to go to take a psychological test.

After 3 weeks, I'm still looking forward to the results. It wasn't that bad. There were questions that asked an answer from your heart, saying how did you felt on that period,what makes you happy, sad, angry etc. I had a very depressive mood last days, but I still think that I'm normal and is just from the stress.

"Mr. Romania? Please come with me," said the psychologist, finally arriving to tell me the results. I'm so nervous that I want to squeeze my hand to the point when it starts bleeding. I quietly enter in the office, sitting in a chair and massaging my hands nervously.

"OK, before showing you the results, you need to re-answer some questions. Did you slept well?" asked the psychologist.

"No, last night I had a realistic nightmare."

"How often do you stay in your house?"

"All the time if there aren't meetings or other important events"

"How many times you feel that you need to cry?"

"All the time."

"Do you often feel inferior to others?"

"Yes, all the time."

"Last question: do you have thought of suicide or self-harm?"

"Yes, I have"

"Well, the results of your test are...worse than I ever imagined. I never thought that you're so unstable.

"And what does that mean?" I asked quietly, but scared.

"Mr. Romania, I'm afraid that I have to diagnose you with depression, schizophrenia and anxiety." said the psychologist.

This is a hard strike. How? Why? What have I done to deserve this? Maybe it's just a nightmare. But it isn't.

"Madam, is this a mistake?" I asked scared, begging to just be an error.

"No. It's your own test. It has your name on it. I'm sorry about this."

"Can you at least lower these symptoms?"

"Only with anti-depressants, in rest you have to go to the pshychologist. There are no cases when patients cure from anti-depressants. If you need something, call me immediatly. I'll write your prescription." the psychologist told me

"Mulțumesc oricum." I told her, before coming out from her office.

Belgium sits on a bench close to the building. She seems to be quite worried. I don't want to tell her that I was diagnosed with depression, schizophrenia and anxiety. I think it will be better if I tell her that I'm not mentally ill.

"Well, how are the results?" she asked with an optimistic tone.

"Average. I was just stressed," I told her in my usual happy tone, knowing that I'm actually mentally ill. This hurts me, not because I lie, because I suffer in silence.

"Are you sure?"

"Da. Let's go to the park. I know a good one."

We go to the park because I need to calm myself. This doesn't have any sense. First I'm scolded harshly for my mistakes, bullied, then this. This is too much for this period.

"Romania, why don't you want to go to a club? You're in your teenage years," asked Belgium.

"Because I'm not that type to go on partying all night. I'm more the quiet artist. I love art because it's the only way I can express. Plus if we go to a club it will be closed." I told her.

"Well, I like people who express differently. And you're one of those people."

Suddenly, I _have_ _the feeling_ that we're observed by someone. And that person is Hungary. She _goes_ closer to us and she starts to hit me harder and harder. I can _feel_ the pain made by her stupid frying pan. What did I do wrong? I want to stop her but she's stronger than I thought and starts to strangle me.

" _TE ROG! ÎNCETEAZĂ_! I told her. Hungary stops hurting me and she disappears in the crowd. We were never Friends and every time we're close to each other we start to fight. I never _thought_ that she'll strangle me to the point when I pass out.

"Romania are you okay?" asked Belgium.

"Yes why? Wasn't Hungary here? I asked her.

"No, I think you're hallucinating."

" _Ce_? But she was here. I felt her!"

"Romania, I think we should go to our homes. You should stay home and rest for a while, to escape the stress."

" _Nu_ , I don't need rest. Tell me about future events."

"Okay."

"Belgium, have you ever felt that you're not accepted in EU?"

"No, at times, due to my _overkindness_. Please, don't destroy yourself just for being accepted. And I really like you exactly how you are inside."

Belgium is right. I need rest to calm my mind. But I don't want to. I just want to be accepted by the countries. After arriving home, I'm making my supper: a sándwich and nutella. I take what I need and the knife to cut the bread. But I accidentally cut myself. Surprisingly, this makes me feel better and I start to cut my fingers and my hand. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I love it. It takes my pain away. But I realise it's insane when I see how far I went in _playing_ with my hand. I go to the bathroom to take some bandage.

After the supper, I change to my pajamas, take my anti-depressants and go to sleep. I can't believe how far I went today: yelling at Belgium, imagining Hungary and then cutting myself. And the worst part is when I was diagnosed. I don't think I can handle much longer, but I still want to try, try to be like anybody else, try to be accepted.

* * *

 ** _Hallo_ \- Hello in Flemish. It's an oficial language in Belgium.**

 ** _Belgia_ \- Belgium in Romanian**

 ** _În sfârșit mi-a sărit o piatră de pe inimă:_ _Finally, a stone from my heart jumped -_ a Romanian saying, meaning that they are no longer stressed about something scary.**

 ** _TE ROG! ÎNCETEAZĂ -_ Please, stop in Romanian**

 ** _Ce -_ what in Romanian**

 ** _Nu -_ No in Romanian**


	3. New Scars

Romania's _ **P.O.W.**_

Another day, another pain. Why I did this? What's happening to me? How did it started? First I snapped, then I ''saw'' Hungary now this! What did I do wrong, I just want an answer, nothing more. I simply can't go to a meeting or anywhere else due to this addiction to feel pain that conforts me. I just want everything to stop.

But my thoughts are suddenly broken by a knock on my door. I must take my antidepressants, my clothes and pack my things, putting a razor and the antidepressants. Slowly opening the door, my heart starts beats faster tan a rabit's. But it starts to fade away as I see Bulgaria in the front of the door. He is dressed quite casual for this useless meeting, and he knows that we are the disappointments of the EU. The only thing elegant on his outfit is the shirt, combined with the jacket to look like that guy from that anime*. But he looks quite worried that usual. What happened? Why is he so worried?

''Romania, are you okay?'' asked Bulgaria, with a worried tone.

''Uuuuggh. Yes, why?'' I answered him back.

''Belgium told me yesterday that you had an illusion seeing Hungary.''

''Wait, how did she told you?''

''She called on my phone. She knew that we're best friends and knew that I can help you.''

''It's nothing, Bul. Don't worry. I was just stressed after all.'' I said these hard words, knowing that I'm breaking apart. But I don't want to tell him, I'll just make him even more worried and to tell anyone about my state.

We arrive just in time, seing that Italy, Spain, Romano and Denmark haven't arrived yet. Thank god that Germany didn't yell at me again and Bulgaria was surprisingly welcomed kindly. We get to our places and the meeting starts. I stay near Bulgaria, finally feeling safe. But I still have the sensation that everyone is watching me. Why are the walls melting? Why is everyone looking at me? Why are they aproaching me? I start to hear ''die'', ''kill yourself'', and ''do it'', along with a familiar feeling that I had when I was with Belgium in the park. No, it can't be! There is Hungary holding my neck and she puts me on the ground along with Austria. Then Russia appears and they start to beat me. I feel the need to scream but my voice fells like it's faltering. Each second they hit harder and I hear these words of death again, contributing to my despair.

''STOOOOOP!'' I screamed loudly, making everyone silent, althrough my scream is still echoing.

''Ro, I'm here'' said Bulgaria, pulling me into a hug.

''What happened?'' I asked.

''You started to look shocked, stressed and to hyperventilate, then you screamed, making everyone silent.'' said Belgium.

''I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Forgive me! Please I didn't mean it! I just-''

''Ro, I think you should go home,'' suggested Bulgaria, worried.

''No, I'll be fine, I just need to go to the bathroom.'' I protested, hoping that these questions will stop.

I go to the bathroom and wash my face with icy water. Then I feel again the need to feel the pain. I slowly take the razor out of my bag and start to penetrate my hand. I don't know why I'm doing this, but it feels so good and...calming. It just takes the pain away in what people calm it a ''harsh way''. Then I snap to reality when I see the doorknob moving. I quickly clean and bandage my hands and wash my face, processing what happened. And there appears Bulgaria, coming after me.

''Hey, Ro. How are you feeling. Wait, isn't that a razor in your hand?'' he asked.

''I didn't have scissors so I had a razor to cut this roll of tissue.'' I said, knowing that he is about to discover what I'm really doing.

''OK. Let's go back to the meeting.''

''Wait, Bul. Will anyone hurt me?''

''Romania, is this connected to your vision of Hungary that you had it yesterday?''

''Yes, it is.'' Then I prepare to tell him about my problems, and he starts to comfort me, saying that everything will be fine, while going to the meeting room.

It wasn't long until the meeting was over. I exit the building like anybody else, and I sit on a bench to process what happened. How this happened? Why I imagine everyone hurting me? What's happening to me?

My thoughts are again disrupted by a message on my phone. It looks like England wants a Magic Trio reunion. I haven't see them in a while. Probably I should talk to them about my problem.

Well, I'm at the door, with an anxious feeling that something is not right. But I open the door anyways. I see Norway and England sitting on the couch, discussing what they did last time. I don't know if I should tell them about my problems. Probably I should tell them, maybe they will understand and eventually find a solution.

''Hey, guys. How are you?'' I asked, joining the conversation.

''Fine, why do you asked?'' answered Norway in his cold tone.

''I need to tell you something, but don't be mad.''

''Tell us, Ro. You know that we aren't jerks,'' said England.

''Well, I started to have hallucinations about death, how Hungary, Russia and others were beating me. I don't know why, I just want to stop.'' I told them, which makes me cry uncontrolably.

''Romania, why didn't you told us, we could've help you. Don't worry, all will be fine.'' said England, sounding calm yet stern.

We go to our room to perform a spell that may help me, but I doubt that it will make that much. I hear Norway and England reading the incantation, while a lavander energy starts to swirl around me. Then it turns into a beautiful woman, looking slightly like my mom, Dacia*, and starts to dance and pulling me to join her. Finally, the ''woman'' starts to hug me, making me feel safe. I start to cry, suddenly remembering the best things that we did together, before my eyes blurred and finally losing my conscience.

I manage to wake up, but I feel something soft below my head, then I see that I'm in the guest's room with England and Norway staying by my side. I feel again my tears rolling down to my cheeks without knowing why, and jump in their arms.

''Don't worry, we're here.'' said Norway.

''I'm sorry! I'm sorry, guys. I don't know what happened.''

''Did it worked?'' asked England.

''Yes, I really feel much better. Thanks guys!'' I thanked them.

''As I told you, we aren't bloody jerks.''

''I should go home. Thanks again.'' I said.

''Okay, See you next time!'' said England.

After arriving in Bucharest and buying some food from the grocery store, I can finally go home. The streets are beautifully illuminated, looking like a dream city. I feel very happy that my people are sleeping peacefully, but I others in the front of People's House, protesting against this shitty corruption*. I manage to join them, not being upset about my presence at all. I hate this situation in my country, because this ruins me, my people, and the peace. This may give my people hope to destroy this chaos.

Suddenly, I am dragged by cold hands into a dark area. There are Hungary, Russia and Belarus, staring at me and ready with some weapons. Hungary starts to hit me harshly with her frying pan, Russia with his pipe and Belarus stabs me in my stomach. They also hit me with their feet and hands. I can feel the blood rolling on my hands, nose, mouth, feet and stomach. I hear my blood and tears licking onto the ground, along wth the hopelessness that enters in my soul. But they stop and tell me that I'm a mistake, a failure, nobody loves me, I shouldn't be on this planet and that I should kill myself and go to the airport. I manage to get up, even if my body is falling apart. I see a girl and a boy standing in front of me, who watched the whole thing. They want to help me but I tell them that I'm okay and they were happy to see me at the protest and that I'm actually a good boy.

I finally arrive at home, the best place in the world. Surprisingly, I see my phone, my antidepressants and my razor in my bag. The pain seems to fade, but arrives that feeling of ''wanting more'' to forget the beating that I received. I take the razor from the bag and again cut my arm . I feel again comforted and freed when I'm doing this. I don't know why, but I feel so...good.

But I quickly realise what I'm doing and I quickly bandage my arm. I start to cry, realising that nobody wants me around, that I'm a bad boy who can't do anything right. What did I do wrong? Why are they so mean to me? Are these death thoughts a sign? These thoughts are alive after I shut my eyes and disappear after falling into the dream world. I just want an answer to these questions, nothing more.

* * *

 ** _*A reference to Attack on Titan_ : Bulgaria tried to go to the Hetaween Party in 2013 as Eren but Romania didn't like the idea and tried to get Bulgaria's jacket off. As a fact, Eren and Bulgaria look quite similar**

 ***Dacia is Romania and Moldova's mother. My headcanon is that she was a powerful warrior, but a loving and passionate woman, who cared deeply of her children**

 ***Yes, but true there were protests in Romania some days ago and now it seems to be quite quiet. I just hope to be peace in my country, to be united again as people and a nation.**

P.S:Sorry for taking that long, I didn't have inspiration and time


End file.
